Ichigo Shortcake
by LunaAriana
Summary: Renji comes up with the perfect costume for Ichigo on Halloween! Strawbababababababerry! Rated M for implied themes and swearing. RenjixIchigo


Ichigo shimmied up the pole next to his house, cursing his gene pool. God must've deemed him a poor bastard with no use for a normal family. Not to mention that Rukia couldn't help him, because she was on 24/7 Hollow Patrol all throughout Karakura for an undeterminable amount of time. With his book bag clamped between his teeth, he hitched his leg over Yuzu's open windowsill and grappled his way into his little sister's bedroom. He paused after spitting his book bag out onto the floor.

'Grapple my way into my little sister's bedroom?' He hoped he would never have to say that again. 'And no man better say that for another fifteen years.' Ichigo imagined him and his father actually working together to try and kill a potential suitor. His eyes scanned the room and landed upon a small stuffed animal cowering between a pink bunny and a seemingly ghetto bear with an afro.

"Kon, what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing!" Kon retorted, but he instantly regretted it. Ichigo had that look. That look that Renji called "utterly-sexy-beyond-all-reason." Kon thought it was "utterly-terrifying-to-the-point-of-crapping-his-fluff." He was suddenly grabbed by the flower glued to his ear. "Okay! Okay! I'm hiding from your sisters and your father. They left for more candy but I don't know when they'll come back!" Kon squealed. Ichigo grunted to reassure Kon of how much he cared.

"Well, I suppose we have a little in common. My father decided to lock me out of the house for fun. Apparently he has no regard for if I grow up without mental disorders or not." Ichigo gave a sigh through his permanent scowl and dropped Kon to the floor. "Now where's Renji?" Kon fidgeted as he got up.

"Well, that depends," Kon mumbled. Ichigo's glare intensified.

"Meaning?"

"Well…" Kon twirled his claws around. "He was laughing about your trouble, to say the least, in getting into the house, but, he was also grumbling about how you weren't wearing a skirt while," Kon coughed here for emphasis, "'doing the pole'."

"So?" Ichigo raised an eyebrow, trying to hide the red rising in his cheeks.

"He could be out buying a skirt for you or still laughing." Ichigo made sure to step on Kon as he stomped downstairs for find Renji, his housemate for the past four days, because he too was (supposed to be) on Hollow Patrol. Ichigo had kindly pointed out the way to the homeless shelter, but Rukia interjected by hitting him over the head with Kon and ushered Renji into HIS household, and in that time Ichigo had endured 102 practical jokes, 18 strip parties, and 32 times that he's seen Renji strut around the house practically nude.

* * *

Renji looked up from the table as he heard Ichigo-esque thumps growing louder while screams were heard from upstairs.

"PLEASE DON'T TELL YOUR SISTERS I'M HERE!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP KON!" Ichigo slammed the door to Yuzu's room and trudged downstairs to find Renji happily sitting at the table and devouring Halloween candy. Ichigo scoffed and grabbed the candy that he had bought for tonight's holiday that Renji had taken such a fascination to. Renji glared after he finished devouring the helpless Tootsie Roll.

"Jackass? The hell you doing!" Renji practically shrieked from sadness at loss of candy and happiness at entrance of Ichigo.

"We're handing these out to children tonight numb-nuts!" Ichigo screamed, shaking the bag of assorted candy to help his point.

Renji rolled his eyes. He was much more deserving of getting candy from Ichigo, and maybe more (he wiggled his tattooed eyebrows at this thought), than some costumed brats.

Suddenly, a thought crept into Renji's Ichigo-saturated mind. Sure it had to do with Ichigo, but something else too!

"Where's your costume?" Renji's eyes scanned Ichigo's body that was sadly covered by a boy's high school uniform and not by a skimpy maid costume or a skirt of any sorts. Maybe he could raid Rukia's closet again…

'God, not this again…' Ichigo rubbed his temples. He should have stayed outside while he had the chance.

"I told you. I'm actually going to be a shinigami and defend the town from Hollows." Renji rolled his eyes. Ichigo was undoubtedly adorable when he was being all heroic and selfless, but he needed to take that stick out of his ass (and maybe replace it with something of Renji's?).

"But, you don't want me to be a vampire all alone do you?" Renji gave him puppy-eyes and smiled, his glow-in-the-dark fangs not helping and covered in sugary sweets.

Ichigo threw one of his textbooks at him. Cuteness didn't work when he once saw the same face in a contorted rage trying to kill him. Ichigo promptly ended the conversation with a simple comment of "Immature Dumbass," and headed up the stairs to his room.

Renji silently racked his mind for a retort to throw back at Ichigo's quickly retreating … back (and his ass, but no one in their right mind would dare throw an insult at that.) Okay, so maybe all that Renji did was sit there for a few good seconds looking extremely mad and confused, giving him the look of an ape having a hard time passing gas. So, Renji was able to bellow out only one word before Ichigo reached the sanctum of his room, whose door had about fifteen 'STAY OUT RENJI IF YOU PLAN ON REPRODUCING' signs stuck on it, one with a picture. Although, it wasn't very scary seeing as how Ichigo had gotten Rukia to draw it, and castrated bunnies were more entertaining to him than scary, truth be told.

"FRUITCAKE!" Renji bellowed. A creepy silence was ushered in for a few seconds, and it was broken by menacing steps slowly approaching the bottom of the stairs. Renji was definitely sweating now. It wasn't that he was scared of Ichigo; it was just that Ichigo was coming down the stairs with That Look on his face. 'Just like my dreams!' Renji thought gleefully.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" Okay, now Renji was scared. The Look had been replaced with some bloodshot eyes and a foaming mouth. 'Note to self,' Renji thought, 'rabid is not a good look for Ichigo.' Renji scratched at his left ear uncomfortably.

"Come on. All I called you was fruit-" and suddenly Renji grew silent, an epiphany coming upon him (or it was that one-hundred yen sushi he ate at that bar on the way here).

As Renji got a look on his face that made him look as though he was contemplating a murder, Ichigo shuffled backwards. 'Had he? No, never. Renji couldn't connect the dots. Literally and figuratively! He had sliced up a coloring book with his sword just yesterday, because the little dog's head was "just too damn hard, damnit!"' Then Renji snapped his head towards Ichigo with a demonic smile of glee. 'RUN DAMNIT! RUN LIKE HELL!' Ichigo's head screamed at him. When his legs didn't comply, the little voice in the back of his head calmly marched down to Ichigo's eardrum, kicked a hole in it and screamed ever-so-delicately: 'HE KNOWS! THE LIGHT HAS COME ON UPSTAIRS! I REPEAT, THE LIGHT HAS COME ON UPSTAIRS!' Ichigo nodded dumbly at this fact. 'SO RUN STUPID!' And suddenly Ichigo's legs shot out from under him like a bat out of hell (hell being a good word for "anywhere within a five-mile radius of Renji") and made a dash for the door. Renji dodged the chair that Ichigo had kicked over and rushed out the door behind him screaming at the top of his lungs: "STRAAAAAAAAAWBERRY SHOOOOOOOOOOOOORTCAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

* * *

The little voice still had influence over Ichigo three blocks down. 'It's going to be third grade all over again if you don't get the lead out!' it threatened as Ichigo rounded the corner. But, as much as people overestimated Renji's brain capacity, Ichigo doubted his pure iron will and inability to give up when he's found something he deemed "fun."

"Gotcha'!" Renji whooped as he sat on Ichigo's back with Ichigo splayed out over the sidewalk. "You shouldn't have slowed down after that turn you know!" he gloated. "Now look at yourself."

"Get the hell of me you sonofa-" And at this point Renji broke out into some sick, primitive, gut-wrenching, piss-inducing, SHIT-PROVOKING _SONG_!

"STRAAAAAAAAAAWBEEEEEERRY SHOOOOOOOOOOORTCAAAAAKE! STRAWBA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BERRY!" The song consisted of those words bellowed at the top of his lungs, and Renji thought that it sounded like angels singing. Ichigo thought it was a choir of demons when little girls joined in, giggling and laughing.

Snapping out of his reverie, Ichigo struggled and growled under Renji.

"GET THE HELL OFFA' ME!" Ichigo demanded. Renji snickered and pushed Ichigo's head into the sidewalk.

"Gimme' one good reason Berry-Berry Girl."

"I WILL KICK YOUR PATHETIC ASS TO HELL AND BACK!" The little girls scattered at this onslaught of swearing and Renji "tut-tutted" condescendingly.

"Watch your mouth My Little Strawberry. Don't set a bad example for the other little girls!" Ichigo writhed under Renji. He was going to kill his father for naming him Ichigo!

Renji sighed happily. As much as he liked Ichigo screaming and squirming under him, (and he liked it a lot!) there were more important things to attend to before the day was done. He promptly grabbed Ichigo by his collar, pulled him up, threw him over his shoulder, and began a mad dash for Uryuu's house, Ichigo swearing all the way.

* * *

Uryuu pushed his glasses farther up on his face.

"Why should I let _that_ into my apartment?" he asked while gesturing to the Ichigo that was mounted on Renji's shoulder. Renji gave a confused glance to where Uryuu had pointed. Who _wouldn't_ want to let that into their household? Suddenly Ichigo burst out into another fit.

"RENJI!" Renji giggled. He loved when Ichigo screamed his name. "I WILL TURN YOU INTO A WOMAN IF YOU DO NOT PUT ME DOWN THIS _INSTANT_!" Uryuu grimaced. His old woman neighbor had stuck her head out the door to look at the odd commotion in the seemingly normal apartment building. Uryuu grabbed Renji, who grabbed Ichigo, who grabbed … well tried to grab anything to stop from entering the apartment. Uryuu angrily shut the door and addressed Renji.

"What do you think you're doing Renji? And Ichigo, how dare you scream such things in the presence of an elderly woman! Both of you are the most ignorant, pig-headed, selfish, deranged, idiotic, clueless, non-cooking and sowing FOOLS I have ever had the DISPLEASURE of meeting IN. MY. LIFE." During the breath Uryuu took between rants, Ichigo and Renji shared a glance. How long had he been waiting for this chance? "AND FURTHERMORE-"

"Listen Uryuu…" Renji interjected. "I have a simple favor to ask of you."

"And why should I help you?" Uryuu asked. Renji frowned. It was a reasonable question. One he didn't have a real good answer for. Except… Renji threw Ichigo off his shoulder, in which Ichigo responded with an undignified squeal. Renji leaned over and whispered in Uryuu's ear.

"Really?" Uryuu pushed his glasses up, letting the light hit it at such a way to give it that creepy shine. Renji stepped back.

"You in?" Renji asked simply.

"Get Ichigo in my room in one minute. You'll have him back within the hour." Uryuu said while grabbing his craft supplies. Renji sniffed with tears in his eyes.

"I always wanted to say that!" he muttered. He picked a dazed Ichigo off of Uryuu's floor and hoisted him up. Finding Uryuu's room wasn't hard. There were only about five small rooms in the apartment, but from what he could see of the living room, he could guess they were all kept meticulously and decorated with Uryuu's personal creations … like frilly little doilies. "Here," Renji said, grudgingly throwing Ichigo into Uryuu's bedroom.

* * *

**One hour later**

* * *

"I think you'll like my work." Uryuu said quietly with a small smile. Renji snorted in the middle of a particularly loud snore and sat up. He hadn't fallen asleep reading Uryuu's girly magazines; and death to anyone who says otherwise!

"Lemme' see…" he grumbled sleepily.

"Presenting…" Uryuu grabbed Ichigo's struggling arm and tugged. "ICHIGO SHORTCAKE!" Renji's eyes snapped open.

What greeted him was an Ichigo donned with a big pink hat, knee-high leather, pink boots, frilly socks with lace strawberries, a puffy miniskirt, and a low-cut girly top with the puffy sleeves! Renji gasped in happiness. He had The Look!

"What the …" Ichigo was surprised he could see anything with how tight he had his eyes held in a glare. "WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING YOU PIECE OF SHIT QUINCY YOU!" Ichigo screamed so loud that he was sure the old lady next door had a heart attack. Uryuu merely smiled. "WHY DID YOU DO," Ichigo gestured to the pink atrocity on his head and the mess of frills from his chest to his crotch and below, "_THIS_?" Uryuu's smile became a smirk.

"Renji promised me the look of utter degradation on your pathetic face. That is payment enough … for the Pride of the Quincy." He ended dramatically.

Renji picked Ichigo up bridal style and headed out the door.

"See ya Uryuu!"

"Till next time, Renji … Ms. Shortcake."

"I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP!"

* * *

The walk home was short, buy it earned Ichigo and Renji many stares, a few phone numbers, and a lot of cat calls. When home, all Ichigo had to say was:  
"One word and I will kick you in the face you self-serving bastard." Renji was mildly surprised. Ichigo had calmed down considerably during the walk home from Uryuu's house.

"Now you have a costume!" he said happily while catching Ichigo's foot flying through the air.

"YOU MADE ME A CROSSDRESSER YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!"

"Am I rubbing off?"

"GET ME OUT OF THIS NOW!"

"I'll undress you. But in return, you stay naked."

"…"

"Ichigo?"

"Burn … in … hell…" Renji smiled.

"Now, let's go trick-or-treating!"

* * *

**Later That Night….**

* * *

"Ichigo! Renji! You two were supposed to hand out candy tonight! Yuzu and Karin had to go out trick-or-treating with Chad." Mr. Kurosaki paused in both speaking and washing his dinner dishes. "He made a wonderful pixie though." he said, as if an afterthough. Wiping his hands on a towel, he put his plate away, and turned around to yell as the two delinquents face-to-face. "Anyways, I want five-hundred laps around the house you two slackers!" Ichigo's father stated/bellowed. With this, he quickly grabbed them both by the arms and took the a scrutinizing look at both of them. "Don't sneak away you two! Now-" Isshin paled considerably. That dress did not compliment Ichigo's skin tone. "…Ichigo, what are wearing?"

Later that night, Isshin sat on the couch with an ice pack and looked back in retrospect. Maybe he should've waited to ask. Ichigo was at a delicate stage. Isshin whimpered and pressed the ice pack to his chin. Did Ichigo really need to have kicked him like that, though? He sighed and found a new position on the couch. Now, let's see, ah yes, here he was. He had lost his place in the book for a second.

_"Chapter Two, 'Accepting Your Son Is A Cross Dresser.'"_


End file.
